Metalmaidenjgv's Weblog

Him.

metalmaidenjgv — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 23:05:53 +0000

E calls me from his cab, “Hey, I’m here.”

“Ok,” I say, “I’ll be right out.”

I have to pause a moment to breath. My head spins from the beers I’ve had and the joints we all smoked. I catch myself and walk out the door. When I get out my front door, I see him in the backseat of the yellow taxi, paying the fare even though I promised that I would. I hug him immediately after he closes the car door, he pulls me tighter, lifts me up, and spins me around in circles. My heart drops, tears well.

“Hey!” he says after letting me go, “It’s been a while..”

“Yeah, I know!” I pick through my pocket for the twenty dollar bill I was going to use for the cab, “Here, I said I’d pay, that’s the reason you agreed to come over!”

“No, no, it’s ok.” He’s serious, so I don’t fight it. We walk inside.

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that he’s here, in my house, with me. It’s been at least six months since we actually hung out, but it suddenly feels like yesterday. I’m still more comfortable with him than anyone else.

We crack a few beers and go to the basement to hang out with my roommate, J. It was clear in our agreement to see each other that, at least in the beginning, we shouldnt be alone. He has a girlfriend now. I have a boyfriend now.

“So, how have you been?” I’m trying to figure out when to slip it in.

“Oh good I guess, you know.. No job and living with the girl for now..” I’m in.

“Oh, I see.. Just for now, eh?” I try not to sound desperate.

“YEAH. It’s definitely like, temporary.” He says it in a way that makes me hopeful. Like, “yeah I tried it, it’s not working, I should have just been with you..” But this is wishful thinking at best. I’m probably just reading it wrong.

J observes our conversation, passing me the pipe but not trying too hard to be social. He has two friends over and small talk floats around the room. After about fifteen minutes his friends make their way towards the door and we’re left with three.

“Well,” J says, “I wanna go make some macaroni and cheese. You guys shoulkd come up there with me, we’ll smoke a bowl and stuff while it cooks.”

We all make our way to the kitchen. I sit down at the table, E grabs my almost empty beer and replaces it. He always makes sure my drink is full. It makes me feel like I’m important to him.

J prepares his food, we smoke, drink, and chat.

“So, uh, where’s your man tonight, Jenny?’ E asks.

“He’s at some hip hop show.. I dunno. I don’t really care. He’s been here for like a week and I just needed to get rid of him..” I say it like it gives me a bad taste in my mouth to think of him. At this point it does, and now that E is here to show me what I’m missing, it’s just getting worse.

“Oh, I see. So I thought you guys broke up? or something?”

“Well,we did. He drinks too much, and a week or so ago he said some terrible things, I dunno, it was shitty..but we got back together.. I guess.”

He looks at me like he’s already figured it out, and I try to explain. I tell him that we fight constantly. I tell him that he’s got no job, no money, no car, and I’m pretty much supporting him. I stumble over some words, it’s hard to explain my current shitty relationship to the boy who got away.

“So, you guys broke up, but you took him back. And why’d you do that?” he asks like it’s simple. Like I can just answer that.

“I don’t really know..” If J weren’t in the room, maybe I’d find enough courage to say something more accurate like, “After you I was broken. I couldn’t even look at another guy. It too four and a half months for me to be able to connect to anyone else, and when I met this guy, there was a bit of a connection. So I stuck with it, because I wanted to feel good again. I wanted to feel the way you made me feel again. But he isn’t you, not even close…and I’m stuck..”

“Great Jenny. Go back to the abusive, unhealthy relationship..” He laughs. He’s always amused by my stupidity.

There’s more to this story but I can’t finish it right now.

My head is still spinning, heart is still racing.

Eh.

metalmaidenjgv — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:57:20 +0000

January has yet to impress me. I spent time in the mountains with friends, I broke up and reconciled with my boyfriend, blah. I have struggled with my budget since around October, and here I am, January 25th, broke. I am trying to tell myself that it’ll be ok. This is temporary, seriously. I will likely have money in my bank account by tomorrow, but today the balance is $0. Nothing is more stressful to me than money problems. I grew up in a home where nothing was consistent but money. Financial security is just that, security.

It’s my fault that I’m in this situation. I’m too nice. One too many offers to pay for things, another month of supporting not only myself, but my roommate and boyfriend. On a budget for one. I’ve expressed this to people, “I’m broke, I won’t have money for a while and when I do again I need to be more careful.” But when the paycheck comes so too come open palms and pleas for “just a little” a little help, a little beer, a pack of smokes, an eighth. So yeah. I tend to break. I’m a pushover and the idea of making someone happy is difficult to resist. Even if its only a moment of happiness brought on by the newness of whatever it is they’ve asked me for.

I realize that this is my fault. I know I should be supporting myself, and myself only. I know that I should be conscious and capable of saying “no,” or “not this time..” I’ve gotten better at saying no. But I still usually say yes unless the request is absolutely impossible.

It’s unfortunate when being nice becomes such a flaw. I wish that my generosity could be appreciated and not taken advantage of. But, again, I set myself up for it.

I suck.

metalmaidenjgv — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 14:29:23 +0000

I’m obviously not a very diligent “blogger.” There have been many things monopolizing my time, and writing here hasn’t seemed like a big deal or anything.

But honestly, I read blogs everyday, and I think, I should, could, need to do that.. So I’m going to try again. No plan of daily food blogging, but we’ll see where this goes. I need an outlet.

So I’ll be using this blog to write about whatever, whenever. I’m not going to schedule daily or weekly posting or anything, just expect to hear of interesting things as they happen.

So, It’s December 28th, and I can’t wait to see where the new year takes me. I expect 2010 to be a good year, and hopefully I’ll be able to document some of it.

Sick.

metalmaidenjgv — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:00:26 +0000

I didn’t post lunch or dinner yesterday because last weeks’ cold has re-appeared

I had a salad for lunch and frozen meal for dinner. Today my stomach is really upset, so breakfast feels like a no-go. I’m drinking tea right now, we’ll see how I feel in a little while. My grandparents are coming to town tomorrow so I have to try and appear as healthy as possible for them, hopefully a day of rest makes that possible…

I need the new Megadeth and Municipal Waste albums! I’m way behind on getting both of them, but I’ve heard good things. I sure do love me some metal !

I’ve got to pull myself away from the computer and try to get better.. maybe I’ll eat or write a poem today. Maybe the fever will induce some creativity, and I’ll return with a masterpiece.

But I’m probably just going to watch Buffy all day. If that doesn’t make me feel better, I honestly don’t know what in this world will.

metalmaidenjgv — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 14:25:42 +0000

I woke up feeling terrible because, duh, I didn’t really eat yesterday. I had a terrible migraine and couldn’t sleep comfortably and finally, at 7:45 I pulled myself away from the bed and made myself the breakfast I knew my body needed to recover..

Today looks like it’ll be a lazy Sunday.. I’ll have the house to myself, maybe I’ll read or invite a friend over..

I worry that I haven’t felt so compelled to write a lot in my posts, even though I was so jazzed about getting this blog thing going. I don’t know, I guess I’m not as comfortable spilling my guts as I thought I’d be..

I’m just chillin’ listening to some 2pac now.. I think it’s going to be a good day.

don’t follow my example..

metalmaidenjgv — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 05:45:12 +0000

I spent an hour on the treadmill a little after breakfast, then spent the rest of my morning/early afternoon hanging with my roommates..

Around two or three they were ready for burgers, but I’ve been sort of sick and couldnt stomach more than a Larabar..

Dinner is worse. Solid food wasn’t part of the plan tonight. I felt fine but couldn’t stand to eat and didn’t get even the slightest hunger pang.

I had about 8 ounces. In a plastic dixie party cup, because I am really classy. I don’t do this often. Normally I am more adamant about my meals. I just wasn’t feelin’ it today, and that’s all I can really say. Had to take a day off and relax..

After “dinner” we took a little drive to Boulder. An old friend tagged along, and it was great. Nothing too eventful or strenuous.

It was a really good day.

Saturday Morning.

metalmaidenjgv — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 14:36:16 +0000

I finally got a whole night of undisturbed rest. I did go to sleep quite a bit later than usual, maybe that had something to do with it?

I woke up feeling energized, but sort of starving. Normally I stick to a few pieces of fruit for breakfast, but today I decided on something a bit more substantial..

So I had some toast. haha.

Now I’m listening to the Kottonmouth Kings and getting ready to jump on the treadmill before the roomies wake up!

Everyone has work off today, so maybe there will be an adventure….!

Here I go.

metalmaidenjgv — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:29:37 +0000

It’s taken me a good long while to decide to start blogging. I’ve considered it for a long time, as a way to keep track of my daily life and for a creative outlet. There were many factors holding me back before. Mostly I was afraid of the amount of honesty and openness required for this endeavor, but it’s something I’m ready for.

So, as I stated above, here I go. I don’t anticipate readers or anything, but that’s not why I decided to start this anyway. I’ll be posting about my daily eating habits, general ramblings, and maybe a short story or poem every once in a while. We’ll just have to see how it all works out.